Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
