Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
