No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
