had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
