you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
drinking out of a sandbucket again
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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