my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
