i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
