So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
someone owes me an orgasm
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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