Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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