I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
