Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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