Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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