I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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