If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize