First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
