You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
