I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
