I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
