the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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