I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
