He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
