A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
