Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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