we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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