he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
