You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
