Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
