I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
