her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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