Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
In America we eat man semen.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
