quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
