If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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