John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
