this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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