You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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