he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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