how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
