Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
