I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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