census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
