i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
His nipple licking is glorious
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