i need an iv and a liver transplant
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
