Only a mothe r could love this liver
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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