I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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