Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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