I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
how drunk are you?
Several
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize