i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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