My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
