My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
