I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
