If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
There are leaves in my underwear?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
