We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
