Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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