i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
