i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
