Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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