I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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