Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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