FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
