my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
