Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
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