Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
