i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
