If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
