Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
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