How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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