break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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