I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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