Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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